


Your safe place

by Kurookaii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 4+1 Things, Alcohol Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Car Accidents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Just their friendship, Karasuno vs nekoma, Kenma is a good friend, Lots of Crying, M/M, Medication, injuries, medication abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 02:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14391837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurookaii/pseuds/Kurookaii
Summary: Generally you could say Kuroo was having a good life.But much like everyone else, he was human. And much like everyone else, he had rough timesBut those were bearable because, somehow, Kenma was always there.That is, until he isn't.OrThe 4 times Kenma guides Kuroo through rough times and the 1 time he doesn't.





	Your safe place

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back at it again with making my best boy suffer, oops-  
> I'm almost proud of this so I hope you'll enjoy it too~

Generally you could say Kuroo was having a good life.  
He had a loving family and friends, he was smart, talented and rather popular among people.  
  
But much like everyone else, he was human. And much like everyone else, he had rough times  
  
But those were bearable because, somehow, Kenma was always there.  
No matter how many things changed around him, that never did. Since elementary school Kenma had been a constant in Kuroo's life who would guide him through hard times.  
  
That is, until Kenma doesn't.  
  
  
The first time Kenma witnessed Kuroo having a hard time was in the middle blocker's last year of elementary school.  
  
Kuroo's cat had to be put down due to being old and sick and while for others it might not have been a huge deal, it definitely was for the raven-haired.  
He grew up with it and loved it as much as he loved his parents or Kenma and it was, next to them and volleyball, the most important thing to him.  
  
Kenma didn't really know what to say or how to react; he wasn't good at dealing with feelings - neither with his own nor with those of others.  
  
But he tried his best at comforting his friend and to Kuroo, that was enough. He distracted him, even if it was only Kenma talking about the new game he bought and the level that was super hard to beat.  
They'd figure out how to get through it together and although the older boy wasn't all that much into video games, he enjoyed it.  
  
Maybe because video games were one of the few things that made his best friend's eyes shine in a certain way he didn't know how to describe. But he liked it because it was much different to the insecure and closed off Kenma he got to see most of the time.  
  
At least to Kuroo. Others wouldn't be able to tell the difference because really, it was just minor, but he noticed. He always did.  
  
And so it was the other way around.  
  
  
The second time was in Kuroo's first year of high school.  
  
His parents had gone out that night for a dinner date but ended up in a car accident. His father got out of it with only a few bruises and a sprained wrist but his mother wasn't as lucky; she was sent to the hospital with severe injuries.  
  
No one could assure them it was going to be fine.  
Really, all he wanted to hear was that she was going to recover and that things could go back to normal. But it was too soon for that.  
  
He never really considered the time his parents wouldn't be at his side anymore, he thought he'd still have a lot of time until he had to deal with it. Apparently now he had to consider it and it scared him.  
  
And as if that wasn't enough, his dad got terribly drunk the next day. He never was much of a drinker but they kept alcohol in the house for special occasions.  
This definitely wasn't one of them.  
  
He started yelling at everything that he didn't approve of - even at his own son - threw things across the room until they shattered into pieces to a point where Tetsurou himself was afraid he'd throw something at him. He was terrified his own father would hurt him. And he hated it.  
  
He took the next opportunity to run over to Kenma's house.  
  
The blonde boy finally opened the door after a few violent knocks and rings, obviously annoyed about the sudden interruption.  
His features quickly softened however, when he saw Kuroo and the distressed look on his face.  
  
"Kuro?", he asked, concern already rising in him. Something seemed off.  
  
"Can I...come in?", he looked to the side while rubbing the back of his neck, a habit he had whenever he was nervous or embarrassed.  
  
Kenma nodded, stepping aside and watching the taller as he walked in. His eyes darted around nervously, hands clutching the shirt at his side while he bit his lips until they drew blood and most noticable of all, he was shaking. Oh, something was _so_ wrong.  
  
Without a word they settled down in the living room where the younger eyed his friend for just a bit longer until he asked: "What's wrong?"  
  
Kuroo's gaze focused down on the fiddling hands in his lap and he opened his mouth to speak. However, nothing came out so he closed it again, pressing his lips together and digging one of his nails into the back of his other hand.  
  
He didn't know how to say it, he didn't even want to say it. He wished Kenma coud just read his mind and know everything that had happened since the last night. But Kenma couldn't, of course, this wasn't some kind of supernatural world. Nothing you could explain with the science Kuroo was so into.  
  
But he owed his friend an explanation, he couldn't just come there and act so obviously off but then say nothing after all, that wasn't fair.  
  
So he tried again after a deep breath. And then it worked. Everything basically spilled out of him without another thought and before he himself knew it, he finished his last sentence as a few tears rolled down his cheek.  
  
Kuroo really started crying. "Ah, shit...I'm s-sorry, I didn't mean to...to cry like that now..."  
  
_Pathetic_ , he thought. He really wasn't one to cry often so whenever he did, it made him feel worse. He felt like he shouldn't cry because that was simply not like him. He was supoosed to be happy and positive, that's what people knew and liked him for.  
  
But it was so hard to try and be positive because he was so fucking _scared_. He could lose his mother at any second right now, actually, she could have been dying in that very moment. And who knew what would happen if that was the case; what would happen with his father.  
Would the alcohol consume become a an everyday thing? Would he get aggressive about the smallest things? Would Kuroo have to live in constant fear of his own dad?  
The uncertainty scared the living shit out of him to a point where he hadn't even realized he was starting to hyperventilate.  
  
And Kenma was, to say the least, overhelmed.  
Not only was the information he just got quite a handful, his best friend and ball of cheerfulness was breaking down right now and Kenma didn't know what to do. But he knew he had to calm Kuroo down.  
  
He moved in front of him, carefully placing his hands on the black-haired's shoulder. "Hey, Kuro. Look at me. _Breathe_."  
  
Kuroo didn't listen. Or better, he barely even noticed Kenma. Everything was cloudy to him and waves of nausea overcame him over and over again.  
  
After another failed attempt, the blonde cupped the other's tear stained face in his hands, forcing him to look into Kenma's direction.  
  
" _Tetsurou_. I'm here. Focus."  
  
Finally he actually looked at him through tears, trying to control his sobs but failing rather badly and shortly after that he was pulled to the other's chest - which didn't go as smoothly as it sounded since Kuroo was a good end taller than Kenma.  
  
"Listen to me, yeah? Follow my breathing. You need to calm down.", Kenma really didn't know if it was going to work but it was worth a try and eventually, Kuroo's breathing pattern would adjust to Kenma's.  
  
"I'm sorry..", Kuroo broke the short silence again. "This- I- This is pathetic. I'm sorry for crying like this here."  
  
He tried pulling himself out of the embrace but Kenma wouldn't quite let him and he was honestly too exhausted to fight against it.  
  
"Don't be stupid, you have every right to cry. Everyone would in a situation like yours."  
  
"I'm _scared_." Scared of losing his mother. Scared of trouble with his dad. Scared of being alone. God, he was so utterly scared.  
  
"I know. You can stay over here for a while, if you want to. I'm here." You are not alone in this.  
  
Kuroo simply nodded. " _Thank you._ ", his voice was nothing more than a whisper but it was enough for Kenma to hear.  
  
And so they stayed for another while, surrounded by silence that was only broken through occasional sobs that died down more from minute to minute.  
  
Kenma really wasn't a patient person, but he waited for Kuroo to calm down and by the time he did, the older had fallen asleep.  
  
A few days later the message came; his mother was going to recover.  
  
  
The third time was after their match against Karasuno.  
  
It was like everything happened in slow motion. How the shrimpy was about to hit a toss, how Kuroo jumped just a little too late, how he turned around to see how Yaku barely managed to recieve the ball, how Nobuyuki ran towards the ball that  was about to fall into the out, how the ball hit the ground.  
  
For a moment everything went quiet.  
  
Then a whistle.  
  
31:33 for Karasuno.  
  
The crowd exploded.  
  
And Kuroo? He just stared at the ball for another moment, disbelief written all over his face.  
  
They lost. Nekoma just lost against Karasuno. They lost the battle at the garbage dumps. They lost at nationals.  
  
_They lost his last game._  
  
He looked around to see the rest of his team; Yaku and Nobuyuki wore a similar look as Kuroo and he knew exactly what they were thinking. _This is it._  
  
Most of the others just stared in schock as well, nothing that suited any of them.  
  
Even Kenma, the Kenma who never cared about winning or losing, was taken aback.  
  
It was crushing. But he knew he couldn't let it get the better of him just yet. "Gather up, guys!"  
  
The next moments felt like he was in a haze. Shaking everyone's hand, bowing in front of their suporters, leaving the gym, going out to get food, it was a normal routine. But the atmosphere was heavier than usual.  
  
No one really talked, a few cried for a while. Lev was putting the blame on himself again just like after the match against Fukurodani and Kuroo had to put an end to it. Because really, Lev had done his best. He wasn't the one to blame.  
  
Kuroo was. Or so he thought at least.  
  
After they all said their goodbyes for the day and parted, it was only Kuroo and Kenma left who walked home in silence.  
Kenma would glance over to his friend every now and then and try to read the stern expression on the others face.  
  
It was weird, really, Kuroo never stayed silent for so long. But he supposed it was understandable after what just happened.  
  
They had just reached Kuroo's house when he finally spoke: "This is my fault."  
  
Kenma blinked for a few times while the other unlocked the front door and went in, leaving the door open to wordlessly tell Kenma to come in as well.  
  
And so he did. "Wait, that's- That's bullshit!"  
  
"If I had just been a little faster, I might have been able to block shrimpy.", he said, walking up the stairs to his room where he slammed his bag into the corner and pulled the window open for some fresh air.  
  
_If._ If he had been faster. If he had blocked more. If his spikes had been more precise. If his recieves had been better. If his analysis had been more exact. If his tactics had been more useful. If he had been better.  
  
_If he just had been better_ , they could have won. They could have had more matches. _He_ could have had more matches.  
  
_If._  
  
"Are you kidding me?! _'We all did our best and we lost as a team just like we win as a team.'_ Those were your one damn words!"  
  
"But I'm the captain, Kenma!", he raised his voice, turning around to look at the blonde. "I failed the team! I just wasn't good enough!"  
  
"You're so fucking hypocritical right now, Kuro."  
  
"Oh? You just don't understand this!"  
  
Kenma sighed, he really didn't want this to end up in a fight.  
  
"No, I really don't understand this. I don't love volleyball like you do, I'm not the team's captain and It wasn't my last match. Of course I don't understand this, I'm just not you. But what I do understand is that you are amazing. You have brought the team so far. You inspire, motivate and support all of us at any time, you help us keep our heads up. You are the best captain Nekoma could have had and to me, you'll always be good enough."  
  
For a moment Kuroo stared at him with wide eyes, then put a hand over his heart and dramatically said: "K-Kenma! I didn't know you could be so sweet!"  
  
There he was. The usual Kuroo who wouldn't miss a chance to crack a joke.  
  
Kenma rolled his eyes. "Well, I guess I've got no other choice when my annoying best friend I've been willing to spend over 10 years of my life with because he's genuinely a good person suddenly loses all his brain cells and talks shit about himself."  
  
And with that he threw himself onto the others bed as if it was his own, ready to grab the psp from his bag.  
  
Kuroo however wouldn't let him, pulling the smaller into a tight hug from behind. "Aw, Kenma! You do have a heart after all!!" 

"I regret saying anything. I take it back. I hate you."  
  
"Don't lie to yourself, we both know you love me!"  
  
Another sigh on Kenma's side as he chose not to say anything more. But Kuroo knew. He knew just by the way Kenma leaned into the hug. _Yeah, I do._  
  
He never expressed himself through a lot of words so Kuroo had learned how to read his actions and frankly, those minor gestures were full of affection.  
  
_"Thank you, Kenma."_  
  
  
The fourth time was barely a week later.  
  
"So...what are you gonna do now after school?", Kenma asked while killing one of the enemies in the video game they were currently playing in Kenma's room.  
  
Kuroo stiffened at the question, getting his character killed due to being distracted for a second.  
Bringing up his hand to rub the back of his neck, he answered: "Ah, well, I...don't know?"  
  
Kenma's character didn't last much longer so he turned to look at his friend with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"For real now? Since when do you plan anything last minute?"  
Kuroo always liked to get things done as soon as possible, especially if it was important.  
  
"I...uh, I mean I got a scholarship for a high-ranked university in Kyoto. It has got a major im chemistry, you know? I don't know if I should accept it though..."  
  
He avoided to look at Kenma, who was completely confused now.  
  
"But isn't that great? Why the hell wouldn't you take that offer?"  
  
"Did you even listen to me? It's in Kyoto! That's over 310 miles!" Kuroo looked distressed.  
  
"Did you even listen to yourself? You got a scolarship for a high-ranked university with a major in your favorite and best subject. You'd be one hell of a stupid idiot to decline that."  
  
For a moment, the older simply stared at his friend, then faced down again.  
"But what's the point of a nice university when all your friends and family are hours away from you?", his voice was quiet, almost a whisper.  
  
_Kuroo didn't want to move away from his friends and family._  
  
"Come on, Kyoto's not at the other end of the world. You can come here to visit just like we can come over to you. Plus, we live in a time of texting and videochatting. You're about to lose an amazing chance if you don't do this, idiot."  
  
There was a long pause, then: "Do you want to get rid of me?"  
  
Kuroo still wouldn't dare to look up and Kenma didn't understand anything anymore.  
  
" _What?"_  
  
"I asked, if you wanted to get rid of me."  
  
Silence. A heavy silence. Kuroo felt like it was going to crush him, so he shoot up. "Ah, forget I said anything. I- I should get going, I forgot I had something to do. See you, Kenma."  
  
He was about to leave the room when Kenma grabbed him by his wrist and pulled him back.  
"What the fuck, Kuro? What kind of question is that? You're my best friend."  
  
The taller remained silence for another moment, swallowing a lump in his throat. He felt like he was going to get sick for some reason and just wanted to get away.  
  
"W-Well...," he paused again, unsure of how to put his mess of thoughts into a proper sentence. "It's just...it's like you want me to leave. I mean, I can't blame you! I guess I've always been kind of annoying..."  
  
Kenma's grip loosened, mostly out of shock. "What, Kuro- Oh my god, stop saying such bullshit. Of course I don't want you to leave. I repeat it, you are my best friend. I wouldn't spend over half of my life with you if you really were that bad."  
  
Kuroo let out a dry laugh. "It's not like I gave you a lot of other chances. I basically forced myself onto you all the time. I even dragged you into volleyball for my own selfish advantage although you don't like it."  
  
He used the chance to free himself from the others grip, finally turning to look at him, this time with a smile. A sad smile. A broken smile, even. Kenma could have sworn Kuroo was on the verge of tears.  
"I'm truly a terrible friend.", he hated how his voice cracked at the last word and hoping Kenma didn't notice wouldn't help either because seconds later, he was actually crying.  
  
Quickly he pressed his palms against his eyes, pressing his lips together to surpress the sobs. He didn't want to see Kenma's reaction, he didn't even want to hear it. He just wanted to turn around and run away or sink into the ground or even jump out of a window, anything if he got out of this situation.  
  
But neither of those things happened; instead his legs decided to give in from how bad he had started shaking.  
"I'm sorry", he forced out inbetween sobs that brutally wrecked through his body. "K-Kenma, I'm...I-I'm so sorry. I d-don't know what- w-why- Fuck"  
  
He wanted to say so much more than this but nothing except a jumbled mess of words and sobs would leave his mouth.  
_I'm sorry for being such a bad friend. I'm sorry for bothering you all this time. I'm sorry for bringing you to do things you don't like. I'm sorry for being such a mess right now. I'm sorry for-_  
  
"Kuro," Kenma finally spoke. "It's okay, don't be sorry."  
Carefully he kneeled down next to Kuroo and pulled him close to his chest.  
  
Kuroo immediatly shook his head. "I'm s-so fucking pathetic."  
He felt so weak. He was he the one who helped others, cheered them up and never lost his nerves. That's what people knew him for and he didn't want it any different. He always bottled things up because he didn't want anyone to see him vulnerable but now he was at a point where he just couldn't take it anymore. After all, he wasn't some kind of superhuman. He had doubts, insecurities, worries and, most importantly, feelings, too. And now they were finally getting the best of him, right in front of his best friend.  
  
Said person was about to say something when Kuroo suddenly continued: "D-Don't take pity on me just because I'm crying, y-yeah? I-It's okay if you h-hate me. I probably deserve it."  
  
Kenma pulled away again and for a second Kuroo feared he'd tell him to leave because he actually hated him. But thankfully that didn't happen.  
Instead, the smaller placed his hands on the others shoulders.  
  
"Look at me," he ordered, waiting until Kuroo did what he was told. "I could _never_ hate you. You're such an amazing friend. You support and motivate everyone, you care so much, you make people happy, really, I couldn't ask for a better best friend. I love you, yeah? Your shitty jokes, your stupid grin, the way your eyes shine when you talk about the things you love, how determined ans passionate you get, how smart you are, how you always give good advice, how you always stay strong for everyone, god, do you even know how amazing you and everything about you is?"  
  
Kuroo just stared at him with wide eyes, Kenma rarely ever expressed such things.  
"K-Kenma I- I love you, really, I love you Kenma...Thank you so much, fuck-," another sob interrupted him as he wiped away the tears only to have new ones running down his cheeks. "Ah, I-I'm sorry for crying like this, it's stupid..."  
  
"Stop, don't say that. It's okay to cry. Weren't you the one who taught me that? Listen to yourself more. It's okay to be emotional, everyone gets sad at times. You're human just like me and everyone else."  
  
Kuroo couldn't help but smile. He really didn't get sad a lot, but he knew, when he did, he could always count on Kenma. After all, they had been best friends for years and knew each other better than anyone else.  
  
_"Thank you, Kenma."_  
  
  
However, somehow he knew it wouldn't always be like this. He knew someday they'd have to part ways to a certain extend.  
And that was exactly what happened.  
  
It had been almost a year since he moved to Kyoto for university. At first, everything was great.  
  
He was rather lucky with his roommate Oikawa, a guy who loved volleyball just as much as Kuroo did. They played together in their new team and while it was weird to not get tosses from his best friend anymore, he quickly adjusted to his new setter.  
Lectures and studies were rather easy and he didn't have any problems with volleyball either. At least every second weekend he'd take the train to Tokyo to visit family and friends, really, most of the time he visited Kenma.  
He had a good balance of everything that was important to him.  
  
But as time passed, everything went downhill.  
University got more and more, he was practically drowning in assignments.  
The expectations in volleyball got higher too, he felt like his best wasn't enough, he felt like he had to do more in order to keep playing.  
Oikawa usually stayed at a friend's house so he was barely seen in the dorms, it made Kuroo feel quite lonely at times.  
His schedule was full and eventually, he didn't even have the time to even talk to everyone in Tokyo over the phone.  
  
Most of his days were filled with lectures and practice, he usually stayed longer with a few others so he wouldn't get 'home' until late evening.  
The nights became days too, a lot of the times he'd sit at his desk to finish papers until the sun rose.  
It became a daily routine, and definitely not a healthy one.  
  
Making new friends or even talking to his old ones became a rarity.  
And even when he had time, it wasn't really a gain for anyone. He was nothing but a stressed and exhausted mess.  
  
He wasn't happy with it, but it worked.  
  
Until he passed out in the middle of practice one day and injured himself to a point where he wouldn't be able to play volleyball again for a while.  
  
That was definitely the darkest point. It was like someone had ripped his biggest source of what kept him motivated away from him.  
And suddenly he had too much time he'd spend alone in his room, staring at the wall and thinking about how the other middle blocker on his team would become better, surpass and eventually replace him.  
And that scared him. He had always done everything to get better, to stand out and to be acknowledged. Now he was nothing.  
  
He felt even lonelier. He called Kenma a lot more, it made him feel a little better. But the other was busy too, of course, the last year of high school wasn't always easy either, he knew that very well.  
  
The rest of the time he spent alone, he'd daze himself with varieties of painkillers and sleeping pills. It became a bad habit, an addiction, almost. It got to a point where he wouldn't be able to sleep without taking them. But he couldn't help it. He really didn't care about it either.  
  
While he recovered from his injury, he never really got his place in the team back. It would've meant even more intense practice than before and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't do it.   
  
It was another lonely night when he tried to call Kenma. The blonde however didn't pick up. Maybe he was asleep already or just busy.  
  
_Maybe he was out with new friends._  
  
Kuroo shook his head, why did that thought make his stomach twist? He should be happy about something like this.  
  
God, he was horrible. He had changed so much over the past months, and not in the good way. He was disgusted by himself. He hated how things had become and most of all, he hated how he had become.  
  
With a sigh he reached out for the bottle of sleeping pills on the nightstand, popped a few into his hand and chugged them down quickly. He didn't really pay attention to how many he swallowed. Whether it was enough to make him fall asleep or enough to kill him, either sounded fine to him. As long as he didn't have to think about how shitty everything was and how miserable he had become.  
  
He cried himself to sleep alone that night.

**Author's Note:**

> Congrats, you made it to the end! If you enjoyed it, kudos or a comment would be very appreciated 'uwu


End file.
